After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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