Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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