Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
