you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
