Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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