Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
