I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
my liver is dry heaving
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
