I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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