i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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