Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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