I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize