So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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