Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I wish there were birth control emojis
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
