Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
