i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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