We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
