New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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