Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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