Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
