I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize