Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
