My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
