If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
