Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
