She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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