it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
