Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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