im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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