Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
