Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
