If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
