I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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