I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
