call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize