The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
