I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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