I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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