he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
