if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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