I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
