Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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