Michael Bay diarrhea
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
