To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
