you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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