so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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