My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
