I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
