How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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