just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He has the fingertips of a God
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