ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
it glows. i had to have it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
