If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
