Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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