need another drink. this is the easiest way
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
