I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
