Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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