God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
