If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Damn victory sex feels great
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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