You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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